Wow...so the week before Dead Week should be called Torture Week or Hell Week, or something of that nature. This week I have so much stuff due! Monday I had meeting at Phi Mu. Then Tuesday I worked on the user's manual for my meeting with the Tech Comm people. Yesterday I had an interview, a play, and a meeting for MRP. Tonight I have to study for a test in Theatre and finish this stupid manual and pray that it doesn't get ripped apart. I have two formals this weekend -- Phi Mu and Beta, so if I can just get through tomorrow's classes, I'll be fine.

Everyone in Kauffman is running around like crazy trying to finish stuff. It's so sad because the 2nd floor lounge is empty and everyone is stressed. People are getting on each other's nerves and more fights are happening. I think we all just need a break...or maybe we're just at our breaking point. I can't wait till it's all over! I don't even care about getting Christmas gifts, I just don't want to do any more homework or open another required book. I think I'll sleep for Christmas break...that's what I want: two weeks of uninterrupted rest. Too bad the holidays are overdone and unreasonably hectic. At least the music is nice though. And I'll do my shopping online so I don't have to deal with the crowds.

My roommate, Meagan and I are sitting in my room studying for our computer science final. We're all freaking out and I think we've decided that a DFS should be used on a sock when we take our showers tomorrow morning and then we'll take a pill and go to sleep. We are all talking about how we just want to die in a heap of ADTs instead of trying to explain them on this test. I heard about how bad Goddard's test was last year. He was looking forward to "killing" us this year on his final. After I'm done with this, I think I'm going to go to sleep till tomorrow at 12. Only 45 minutes till the test... I wish that I didn't have to worry about losing my scholarship gecause of this damn class. I just want to be finished for this semester and go sleep for two weeks over Christmas breatk. Oh well, it will all be over soon.

So, I woke up this morning at 8 (or yesterday morning if you want to get all technical) and I wasn't feeling too well. My stomach had been a bit upset for most of the night last night, but nothing too severe had come of it. Anyway, I was more sick than I thought and I ended up throwing up. I think I scared myself because it has been a long time since I've thrown up. So, I called my mom and I was shaking uncontrollably for about a half an hour. She left work and came down to check on me. Moms are always so wonderful about that type of thing. She made sure that I was okay and checked my temperature and as usual, told me to drink a lot of water.

I have slept on my futon before but never when it was flat, and I decided that today would be a good day to do that since climbing up and down from my lofted bed seemed like too much work. The mattress is really quite comfortable and I really like having the extra room. It does prevent any movement in my room besides the 3 foot radius by the door, but I don't really care.

My dad came by at 12:30 to check on me and brought me a bagel. I kept that down and stayed awake to work on my take-home final. At this point I put in Eddie Izzard. I worked on my final for awhile and then fell asleep at some point. When I woke up again, I worked on my final and started another Eddie Izzard DVD. I fell asleep again and woke up to continue my pattern of working on my final and "watched" the final Eddie Izzard DVD. I have now almost completed my final and managed to watch all three Eddie Izzard DVD's. So, my day wasn't completely wasted. Two presents for my dad for Christmas also arrived. Honestly, despite not feeling well, today was really nice. It was sad that I had to postpone my post-MRP party, but alas, we'll have a steak dinner when we get back from Christmas break. I was fortunate not to have any finals again until Friday. Although I know I really didn't get much done, today was very relaxing and I got A LOT of sleep and I felt like I actually accomplished something.

I was also pleasantly surprised at how many people expressed their concern that I was sick. For those who read this, I really appreciate your concern and it means a lot to me. Thank you so much for caring! So, good things can come from being sick.

My friend Ray came over tonight. It was great to see him! He's been to Australia and Hawaii for the better part of the last year and a half. He finally moved to Hawaii and is living the dream of every person between the ages of 16 and 30, perhaps older. We talked about how things have been and whatnot. It's such a rare occasion to have a deep conversation and walk away still questioning things. Anyway, it was awesome to see him and as usual, the conversation was deeper than most.

On another note, I've been thinking a lot lately. Now that I finally have the chance to let things calm down and I can think. I'm even more depressed than I was before. Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder what you've become? When I look in the mirror, I look exhausted...all the time. It really doesn't seem to make much difference how much I sleep, I still look completely exhausted. I feel exhausted most of the time too. No matter what I do, I can't make it through the day anymore without a nap. I sleep at least 14 hours a day. When something goes wrong, I just want to sleep. I think it's because it's the closest I can get to peace right now. Everything is so tumultuous right now, that I'd rather sleep than do anything else.

There is a sadness inside of me that won't go away. It's rooted in terror. Things that I used to find joy in now seem dismal and uninteresting. I become angry for no apparent reason and I can't figure out why. I don't know what's going on with me. I'm done with school for the semester. I should be feeling excited and ready to go home, but honestly I don't really feel anything. I'm so numb. I'm scared of going home because I might say the wrong thing and upset my Dad. And there's this void when I go home. I feel like I don't really belong there. Nothing really feels like home anymore.

I was sick on Wednesday and it was really refreshing to just lay around and do nothing, but on the other hand...I feel so lethargic now that I just don't want to do anything. I would be so happy if I just didn't have to think about anything anymore. There are so many things that I haven't come to terms with yet and so many things in the closet that are just waiting to jump out at me.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night sweating and breathing hard. I'm terrified...but I can't figure out what terrifies me. Maybe I'm just scared of living. I can't let myself open up again. The people that I've opened up to in the past just disappeared and I've found myself to be completely alone. There are people around, but I can't bring myself to really trust anyone. I'm always holding back and I'm not sure why. It's a frightening feeling to be all alone. Even when I try to talk to God I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of blackness and I'll never start breathing again. There are no answers for me and I've been looking in the wrong places for so long I don't even know where to start anymore. There are things I should do that I don't and there are things that I do that I know I shouldn't. It's come to the point where I think I'm such a bad person that I just don't care anymore. It doesn't matter because there's nothing I can do to change it. Have you ever thought you were so far gone, that there's no turning back, like you're so ruined that you can't possibly get any worse?

"We long to be known and we fear it like nothing else. Most people live with a subtle dread that one day they will be discovered for who they really are and the world will be appalled."

I went to Closer today. It was the first time that I've ever been to a movie by myself. I thought that I would feel insecure and loneley, but I didn't. However, the movie hurt to watch. I came away from the film with a sick feeling in my stomach. It hurt to see what these four people did to each other.

***WARNING***SPOILERS***

The entire movie is about truth and lies. This is NOT a movie about love. I don't care what the reviews say. The movie has nothing to do with love. The people in the film are all selfish and they are all holding back. They will do anything they can to get what they want and then when things don't work out the way they planned, they use each other as backup. There is no concern for the feelings of others, just their own. The end of the movie results in four completely miserable people. Alice (Jane) is back in New York in the life she ran away from at the beginning of the movie. Dan is alone, still drinking his coffee and he's finally realized that his entire relationship with Alice was a lie because he never even knew her real name. Anna and Larry are still married and he knows she doesn't love him, but he loves her and wants to be with her and he doesn't really care about her feelings, just the fact that he wants to be with her. Then there's Anna...she has no idea what she's doing. She kisses Dan at the beginning of the movie, causing the whole tumultuous problems between Dan and Alice to start. Then, she sees him for a year and even after she's married continues the affair. She is about to get a divorce when her husband forces her to sleep with him again for "old time's sake" and she stays with him out of pity.

***DONE***

I wish I couldn't relate to this movie at all...but I can. I'm sure that it makes me a bad person somehow. It's so sad what people can do to each other and I am so incredibly sorry that I have done this to people that I care about. I'm sorry that I'm selfish and I'm sorry that I broke the trust of the people I care about and I know that they broke mine. I look at the world and I think "wow...we are all so broken." (Thanks Caitlin!) No one is a good person and this movie has no good people in it. There is no "good guy" in this one, much like life. We are all broken, hurtful people and we all hurt ourselves on purpose and hurt the ones we love to get what we think we want. It's movies like this that make me wonder if true love really exists and whether you can really trust anyone, even yourself.

Merry Christmas to everyone! Thank you all for everything and all the support and friendship this year! I love you all and I can't wait to see you when I get back from break (however, I don't really want to start school again). I hope everyone has a wonderful break and you all enjoy seeing your families.

I'm so happy to be home and get away from all the stress for awhile. The break has been incredibly relaxing and it's been awesome to see my family and friends from high school. It's been great to see the ex-JDE students as well, especially Kyros and Brad! I'm finally working things out and I feel good. I love all of you! See you soon!

Have a great New Year if I don't see you!!

It's been wonderful to be home and see my family, but after spending so much time with them and being home for over a week now, I miss my friends. I think of my friends as almost closer than family. Although, the concept of friends is an odd one. Anyone can be your friend if they want to, but they can also leave whenever they want and tell you that they don't want to talk to you. Friends are optional...family isn't. No matter what, you can't choose your family and they'll always be there for you no matter what happens. So, then how do we value our friends? I know that I'm closer to most of my friends than I am with my family. I trust my friends not to judge me and love me no matter what and when it comes to talking to my family about things, I'm terrified.

Raymond went back to Hawaii today. It was sad to say goodbye last night. We had a long talk again. It was good. I cried. I've been doing that a lot lately. Partially because of things that have happened that I'm ashamed of and partially because I'm so happy to be close to people who will love me in spite of all of it. It's going to be hard not to have him around to talk to. I know he's only a phone call away, but it's not the same. He also said that he's going to Afganistan. That idea scares me. I want to have faith that he'll be alright, but you never know what will happen...

Thanks to all my friends who have been asking questions lately. I appreciate even the hard questions that are still making me think. I know that things haven't been easy for all of you, but I thank you for having faith in me and being willing to ask the hard questions. Thinking is good, even when it hurts...especially when it hurts...

I miss you all! I can't wait to see you when break is over!

So...I spent all day trying to figure out why my mom was acting weird all day. I just ate dinner with her and said that I was going to go out. She told me that it was fine as long as I come home sooner than 2am. I didn't even think about the fact that my parents might be up worrying about me. I'm so used to being on my own and going to bed pretty late. Anyway...not good to worry the parents. Oh well, everything will be fine tomorrow. Afterall, tomorrow is another day.

My mom came home sick yesterday and scared the crap out of me. She drove home at 2 in the afternoon and I didn't think anything of it. I thought maybe she was back to take my Dad to a Dr.'s appointment or something, but she wasn't. She walked in the door and she looked so pale. She said that she had gotten sick at work and she had driven home and gotten sick on the way home. I've never been so worried about my mom and I've never known something like this to happen. She spent all day today around the house. She finally ate something at dinner. I'm glad she's feeling better. It's the first time in a long time since I've been worried about my mom. I'm so used to worrying about my dad instead. Anyway, it felt good to help her out for a change. She's always been there for me...now I can be there for her. Hopefully tomorrow will go well and she can go back to work on Monday.