Thinking can be bad...

My friend Ray came over tonight. It was great to see him! He's been to Australia and Hawaii for the better part of the last year and a half. He finally moved to Hawaii and is living the dream of every person between the ages of 16 and 30, perhaps older. We talked about how things have been and whatnot. It's such a rare occasion to have a deep conversation and walk away still questioning things. Anyway, it was awesome to see him and as usual, the conversation was deeper than most.

On another note, I've been thinking a lot lately. Now that I finally have the chance to let things calm down and I can think. I'm even more depressed than I was before. Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder what you've become? When I look in the mirror, I look exhausted...all the time. It really doesn't seem to make much difference how much I sleep, I still look completely exhausted. I feel exhausted most of the time too. No matter what I do, I can't make it through the day anymore without a nap. I sleep at least 14 hours a day. When something goes wrong, I just want to sleep. I think it's because it's the closest I can get to peace right now. Everything is so tumultuous right now, that I'd rather sleep than do anything else.

There is a sadness inside of me that won't go away. It's rooted in terror. Things that I used to find joy in now seem dismal and uninteresting. I become angry for no apparent reason and I can't figure out why. I don't know what's going on with me. I'm done with school for the semester. I should be feeling excited and ready to go home, but honestly I don't really feel anything. I'm so numb. I'm scared of going home because I might say the wrong thing and upset my Dad. And there's this void when I go home. I feel like I don't really belong there. Nothing really feels like home anymore.

I was sick on Wednesday and it was really refreshing to just lay around and do nothing, but on the other hand...I feel so lethargic now that I just don't want to do anything. I would be so happy if I just didn't have to think about anything anymore. There are so many things that I haven't come to terms with yet and so many things in the closet that are just waiting to jump out at me.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night sweating and breathing hard. I'm terrified...but I can't figure out what terrifies me. Maybe I'm just scared of living. I can't let myself open up again. The people that I've opened up to in the past just disappeared and I've found myself to be completely alone. There are people around, but I can't bring myself to really trust anyone. I'm always holding back and I'm not sure why. It's a frightening feeling to be all alone. Even when I try to talk to God I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of blackness and I'll never start breathing again. There are no answers for me and I've been looking in the wrong places for so long I don't even know where to start anymore. There are things I should do that I don't and there are things that I do that I know I shouldn't. It's come to the point where I think I'm such a bad person that I just don't care anymore. It doesn't matter because there's nothing I can do to change it. Have you ever thought you were so far gone, that there's no turning back, like you're so ruined that you can't possibly get any worse?

"We long to be known and we fear it like nothing else. Most people live with a subtle dread that one day they will be discovered for who they really are and the world will be appalled."