I hate the weather. I wanted snow for Christmas, but NO, that didn't happen. Now I'm looking out my window at a snowstorm that has been going since yesterday. We're supposed to get between 8 and 14 inches of snow. My dad already cleared the driveway this afternoon, about an hour ago. However, it's not really going to affect anything that much because it's snowing so hard. My birthday is Sunday and I'm supposed to go shopping tomorrow and Friday but I doubt that is going to happen because of all the stupid snow. Of course it can't snow for Christmas but it sure as hell can ruin my birthday. Ugh! At least it's "pretty."

Today's my birthday! Yay! I don't think it's hit me yet that I'm not a teenager anymore. I still feel so young. I can't do anything now that I wasn't able to do a year or even two years ago. I can't drink still...well, not legally at least. However, there have been many people wishing ne happy birthday and I still feel special. I feel so blessed to have people in my life who care about me. Thanks to everyone! I love you all very much!

Wow...what a strange week! Abby and Drew were married on Monday. I found out about it at noon and the wedding was at 3:45 at the courthouse. Signing a marriage lisense was not in my plan for the day. The judge was really weird, so we were all laughing through the ceremony.

Now, they have moved to Grand Junction, CO. They seemed so happy and so at peace with the decision. It's crazy to think that they decided this a little over a week ago and then they packed and left. I know I could never do that. However, I'm very happy for them!

Hopefully I can get into a regular routine now. I don't expect any of my other friends to be getting married.

I'm finally to a point where I can either break down or deal with shit. No one can help me with it. I have to do it on my own. I can honestly say that I'm not terrified of it for the first time in over a year and a half. I know it's going to be tough, but I'm okay with that. I can handle the fact that I have shit to deal with and I shouldn't be in a romantic relationship or attempting to dump it on all my friends. I know that I will be much more in tune with myself than I am now and hopefully I will be more content with who I am without needing someone by my side constantly to validate myself.

Finally...I'm actually going to deal with myself.

Obviously if I'm inflicting pain it must mean that I'm doing so maliciously with no feeling of pain myself. There's nothing to say and nothing to do except to move forward. "We'll both forget the breeze, most of the time." Whenever thoughts arise, I hope they're not negative, but that's just a hope. "It's not that we're scared, it's just that it's delicate."

So why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why'd you sing alleluia
If it means nothing to ya
Why'd you sing with me at all

We might live,
like never before.
There's nothing to give.
But how can we ask for more?

Stones taught me to fly.
Love, it taught me to lie.
Life, it taught me to die.
So, it's not hard to fall
when youfloat like a cannonball.

Stones taught me to fly.
Love taught me to cry.
So come on courage
teach me to be shy
'cause it's not hard to fall
It's not hard to fall
It's not hard to grow
and you know that you just don't know.

I give up. There's no hero, no knight in shining armor and there will never be one.