Memo to self: Avoid rental cars whenever possible

So, I had to get a rental car while I was waiting for the verdict on my car. Anyone can tell you that when the rental agency (the one I am currently using is Enterprise) tells you theyr'e going to provide you with something "comparable" to your car, you should be ready to say to yourself "Comparable, my ass."

Wednesday was an adventure in frustration when it came to the rental company. I was dealing with a guy who couldn't have been much older than me if he was older at all. But all I could think was "do not punch the sales person in the face...do not punch the sales person in the face...do not punch the sales person in the face." Also, I'd like to point out for the record, that the knot on his tie was square and he needs to learn to tie a better knot. Also, he was close to my height so I think I could have taken him if I had to.

That being said, the reason I was annoyed was because it was not only a disorganized mess regarding the billing for the car, it was also frustrating having to repeat myself over and over again regarding the fact that I do not want to pay for insurance that costs more than the total amount of the rental, of which I'm only paying 20%. Because 20% of about $17 a day, isn't too bad. However, you tack on another $18 a day, and someone's getting screwed and it certainly isn't Enterprise. That's $540 a month and no amount of talking is going to convince me that it's a good deal to be paying $540 a month for insurance, especially when my car insurance carries over to a rental car.

I was surprised because the kid (yes, I'm calling him a kid for lack of a better term) essentially tried to threaten me into getting the insurance by telling me that if a rock hit my car, they'd take my $500 deductible that applies towards my State Farm insurance. I was rather impressed my dad didn't laugh at him when he heard that. After three rounds of "are you sure" followed by "yes, I'm sure I don't want the insurance", we went out to inspect the car. There were dings and scratches all over that thing. Dad was kind enough to point out every single one. Unfortunately, we hit the peak of the boredom meter for the sales guy and he gave up writing all over his little piece of paper. I think I'll be getting my deposit back on this one. The thing that was probably the most infuriating though was that he tried to sell me twice again after we got in the car and he was recording the mileage and gas status. After repeating in my head "do not punch the sales person in the face...do not punch the sales person in the face...do not punch the sales person in the face" a few more times, I told him no twice more and he finally went away to talk to his friend who had come to visit him at work. Then I drove the rental car that can only be described as a shoe home. Which brings me to the rental car...or shoe as I like to refer to it.

Before I go into specifics of the shoe, it's important to know what I'm "giving up" to have the wonderful opportunity of using the shoe. My car, while 10 years old, gets an average of 28 mpg for each tank of gas. It has power windows, power locks, and a power sunroof. It came with a cassette player, but my parents bought me a CD player and that was installed shortly after the car was purchased.

The thing I am renting, that is definitely a shoe masquerading as a car is shorter than my car but somehow has four doors. I know Chevrolet wants to call it an Aveo, but it's a shoe. It even feels like how I would imagine riding in a shoe would feel (only with windows and a trunk that was patched onto the back). If you don't believe me that it's a shoe, just look at the pictures below:

Here's the car:

Here's the shoe:

Here's the outline of the shoe on the car:

The "features" of the shoe include circles around just about everything in the car. Even things that don't have a purpose.

Just in case you weren't sure how to get the window to go down, they were kind enough to circle it for you so you would be able to figure it out.

See if you can find the door handle in this picture:

Oh, and there are also random circles in completely useless places that don't do anything. Those black circles on both sides of the emergency flasher button, yeah, they don't do anything. Also, you thought you were going to be able to listen to something you actually liked? Just kidding! You will get nothing (other than the radio) and you will like it!

The dashboard isn't really all that useful. Most of the useful information is by the clock in the center of the car. You know, things like maintenance information, your seatbelt, oil change. Completely not a useful location for that information at all. Because if I'm the driver, I'm looking in front of me for the information I need about my car, not at the clock.

Last, but certainly not least on the feature list, is the fact that the shifter doesn't go straight up and down. I don't know a lot of people who have accidentally shifted their car into the wrong gear, but I'm sure this car was built for them. However, I've never done that, so the stupid gear shift drives me crazy. I can't ever get it from reverse to drive without worrying that I'm going to break the shift stick. Most annoying gear shift evar!

So, if the car is a shoe, then that makes my garage a shoe box. So, here's the shoe in it's box for the night:

The one thing the shoe has provided that my other car couldn't is a fair amount of entertainment. Take these situations:

• While waiting for the car to warm up I can exclaim: "Warm up shoe!"


• When asking friends if they'd like me to drive: "Would you like to take a ride in my shoe?"


• Warning a pedestrian not to step out into the middle of the road: "If you step out in front of me, I will hit you with my shoe!" (Would that be kicking them?)


• After parking the car in the garage: "My shoe is safe in it's box for the night."


• Yelling at someone for tailgating me on the interstate: "If you crawl up my shoe any further...!"


• Driving around to get used to the car: "I need to drive my shoe around so I can get used to it."


• General anger directed at the car: "Stupid shoe!"


• Answering a question about the location of the car: "The shoe is parked over there."


• Trying to coax the car up a hill: "Come on, shoe, you can make it!"


• Explaining the general rental car experience: "It's the shoe experience."

I know there were others, but I can't think of them now. So, maybe, after all the fun you could have with a shoe of your own, you're thinking about buying one. Well, good news! Prices start at about $10,000 so you can buy a shoe of your very own. I do have to warn you, the handling isn't great. You'll have to get used to turning the wheel, then having the car turn. Oh, and I also learned why so many people appear to brake randomly. It's probably because their brakes don't work very well. I'm fairly certain, that the brake lights come on before there is any actual braking with the shoe. Oh, and it's also not the best "fuel economy" car while pretending to be one. So you'll get crappy acceleration without the pay-off of a lower gas bill. Just what you've always wanted, I'm sure.

Oh, also, when Enterprise heard that State Farm had decided to total out my car, they called to see if I wanted to buy one of their rental cars for my very own. I turned them down on the shoe.