This is my first post in my web log. I've been working on my website for only three days now. I'm kinda nervous about it. Is that bad? Anyway...I have working pages at the moment, but none of them really do anything. I hope you enjoy! By the way, school is finally OVER!!!! Yay!!!
I would just like to thank Brad Smith for being the coolest person ever and helping me with my Web Log and Guest Book. He has been so incredible over the past couple days, getting me started and helping me understand everything. Don't forget to check out my links page over the next few days because there will be a link to his site there soon. Brad, you're the best! Thanks so much for everything! We miss you tons back at the Nerdery.
I really hate moving. I've realized that it has to be the most annoying, monotonous thing ever. I have to pack everything up and move it out of my dorm and then when I get home I have to find places to shove it because my room is so small that I can't fit everything in it. Also, my closet will be completely full to the point of overflowing. I'll have to move in again in three months which means I have to pack all my shit up from my house and move it all back to the dorm. You would think that with such a civilized society and the obsession we all have with "stuff" we'd figure out a better way to do this...but oh well. Back to packing.
So, I spent most of my day unpacking. Then I went to work for 4 hours. Even though I spent all that time, there is still a ton of stuff in my room. How did I get all this and how the hell did it fit in my dorm room? I really can't figure it out. Also, where am I going to put it all? I have so much crap! I still haven't unpacked my clothes so I have nothing to wear tomorrow to church. My mom will be thrilled to find that out. Ha! Anyway, tomorrow is Mother's Day! And I have to work again. Too bad I can't say in Lincoln to keep unpacking. Oh well...anyway, for all you college people: Happy Moving and good luck!
I'm so excited to finally be able to sleep in and do nothing all day long! I'm finally unpacked and settled back into my parents' house. It's so peaceful without all the homework and deadlines to meet. I also have lots of time to hang out with all my friends and especially my boyfriend (who I've been dating for a year as of yesterday!). Summer's finally here!!!
After doing absolutely nothing for three weeks and sleeping in until 10:30 every morning, I have started summer school. I'm taking two history classes the first five weeks and both my professors are very quirky, but interesting. However, the nine books for one class seems a bit excessive, even for graduate students. Oh well. Yay for making it through the first part of the summer and getting back on a normal schedule without JDE classes to worry about. Anyway, I should probably change and update the website since I haven't done anything for quite some time.
Thanks to Reagan, I have no school tomorrow!!! Yay!
I'm just wondering if they're going to do something this big when Gerald Ford dies. They've had specials about Reagan all week and about all the wonderful and "not so wonderful" things he did for the country. I wonder if this is only because he was a very public person. Or maybe it was because he was charismatic. I honestly don't know, but hopefully I won't have class when it happens.
Alright, so I'm moving again. I've finally finished with summer school just today and I'm moving back to campus on Monday so I can go through rush and start school in a week. Oh, how time flies when you're having "fun." I've been overly busy and I haven't had time to work on my site nearly as much as I had hoped. As I'm sure everyone has noticed. Anyway...I'm just dinking around with things right now, trying to get the web log to a point where it's readable.
Well, the new year has officially started for J.D. Edwards. I'm not sure what I think about that yet. I'm taking some classes that I'm looking forward to and some I'm not so sure about yet. It's only the first week and I'm already behind on my homework. I have a lot of stuff to read this weekend but I'm completely moved in.
I also joined a sorority this year. I'm really excited about it. The girls all seem really nice. I'm still working on time management but I know that this year is going to be so much better than my freshman year!
I just got back from New Member Education at ΦΜ. We have to learn all about who founded the sorority and what the house stands for, etc. We were also given rules we have to abide by including no alcohol and we have to be involved in two organizations...I don't know how I'm going to have time for that! I'm already behind on my homework! Tomorrow we're supposed to go to new member stuff on alcohol responsibility...ugh. At least we aren't required to pay attention and there's no test at the end of it. :-)
I've realized that I'm just one big screw-up. I don't really know what to say in defense of my recent actions. I have hurt a lot of people in the past month and I'm sincerely sorry to anyone who was caught in the wake of my emotional outbursts.
I need to start figuring out stuff on my own...make sure I'm not dependent on other people to make me happy, even if I am depending on a pill. My sleep schedule is so off that I'm not functioning well and I keep waking up feeling really sick. I've had 2 migrains in the last week.
My priorities are all out of order...school needs to come first and I have a hard time concentrating on it.
It's great to be busy. It's also great to have migraines, great to be stressed and great to have acid reflux. It's great to be in the J.D. Edwards program where you're constantly reminded that you aren't working hard enough, there are not enough hours in the day and you really aren't worth as much as they thought you were when you were accepted into the program.
Things are hectic. I've realized that although midterms came and went, more than half my grade, closer to two thirds, in most of my classes is still up in the air. I'm freaking out about grades and hoping I can pull something out of my ass this semester and somehow not end up with a C in my computer science class. We'll see how that goes. Keep your fingers crossed.
Then there's the soap opera called my social life. Everyone has advice and everyone has an opinion but no one has any definite answers. Things are just a mess overall and, right now, I'm taking time for me to figure things out.
It's a busy, busy, busy time for everything. I just hope I can keep up.
Is everything just black and white? Is that the kind of world we're living in? Is my choice between seeing black and white for the rest of my life and living where there is only happiness, no fear, no pain, and no love or color where there will be excruciating pain and immense joy? (The Giver) Is that really the question that lies before me? Is that really what I'm facing or are things just being blown out of proportion? Is the nail in the coffin or in my bleeding heart? Am I dead already or just well on my way? Does God really care? Does he really matter? Is everything a choice or is He really playing both sides of the chess board? "God is just a mean kid with a magnifying glass. And I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather tear of my feelers and watch me squirm."
Wow...so the week before Dead Week should be called Torture Week or Hell Week, or something of that nature. This week I have so much stuff due! Monday I had meeting at Phi Mu. Then Tuesday I worked on the user's manual for my meeting with the Tech Comm people. Yesterday I had an interview, a play, and a meeting for MRP. Tonight I have to study for a test in Theatre and finish this stupid manual and pray that it doesn't get ripped apart. I have two formals this weekend -- Phi Mu and Beta, so if I can just get through tomorrow's classes, I'll be fine.
Everyone in Kauffman is running around like crazy trying to finish stuff. It's so sad because the 2nd floor lounge is empty and everyone is stressed. People are getting on each other's nerves and more fights are happening. I think we all just need a break...or maybe we're just at our breaking point. I can't wait till it's all over! I don't even care about getting Christmas gifts, I just don't want to do any more homework or open another required book. I think I'll sleep for Christmas break...that's what I want: two weeks of uninterrupted rest. Too bad the holidays are overdone and unreasonably hectic. At least the music is nice though. And I'll do my shopping online so I don't have to deal with the crowds.
My roommate, Meagan and I are sitting in my room studying for our computer science final. We're all freaking out and I think we've decided that a DFS should be used on a sock when we take our showers tomorrow morning and then we'll take a pill and go to sleep. We are all talking about how we just want to die in a heap of ADTs instead of trying to explain them on this test. I heard about how bad Goddard's test was last year. He was looking forward to "killing" us this year on his final. After I'm done with this, I think I'm going to go to sleep till tomorrow at 12. Only 45 minutes till the test... I wish that I didn't have to worry about losing my scholarship gecause of this damn class. I just want to be finished for this semester and go sleep for two weeks over Christmas breatk. Oh well, it will all be over soon.
So, I woke up this morning at 8 (or yesterday morning if you want to get all technical) and I wasn't feeling too well. My stomach had been a bit upset for most of the night last night, but nothing too severe had come of it. Anyway, I was more sick than I thought and I ended up throwing up. I think I scared myself because it has been a long time since I've thrown up. So, I called my mom and I was shaking uncontrollably for about a half an hour. She left work and came down to check on me. Moms are always so wonderful about that type of thing. She made sure that I was okay and checked my temperature and as usual, told me to drink a lot of water.
I have slept on my futon before but never when it was flat, and I decided that today would be a good day to do that since climbing up and down from my lofted bed seemed like too much work. The mattress is really quite comfortable and I really like having the extra room. It does prevent any movement in my room besides the 3 foot radius by the door, but I don't really care.
My dad came by at 12:30 to check on me and brought me a bagel. I kept that down and stayed awake to work on my take-home final. At this point I put in Eddie Izzard. I worked on my final for awhile and then fell asleep at some point. When I woke up again, I worked on my final and started another Eddie Izzard DVD. I fell asleep again and woke up to continue my pattern of working on my final and "watched" the final Eddie Izzard DVD. I have now almost completed my final and managed to watch all three Eddie Izzard DVD's. So, my day wasn't completely wasted. Two presents for my dad for Christmas also arrived. Honestly, despite not feeling well, today was really nice. It was sad that I had to postpone my post-MRP party, but alas, we'll have a steak dinner when we get back from Christmas break. I was fortunate not to have any finals again until Friday. Although I know I really didn't get much done, today was very relaxing and I got A LOT of sleep and I felt like I actually accomplished something.
I was also pleasantly surprised at how many people expressed their concern that I was sick. For those who read this, I really appreciate your concern and it means a lot to me. Thank you so much for caring! So, good things can come from being sick.
My friend Ray came over tonight. It was great to see him! He's been to Australia and Hawaii for the better part of the last year and a half. He finally moved to Hawaii and is living the dream of every person between the ages of 16 and 30, perhaps older. We talked about how things have been and whatnot. It's such a rare occasion to have a deep conversation and walk away still questioning things. Anyway, it was awesome to see him and as usual, the conversation was deeper than most.
On another note, I've been thinking a lot lately. Now that I finally have the chance to let things calm down and I can think. I'm even more depressed than I was before. Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder what you've become? When I look in the mirror, I look exhausted...all the time. It really doesn't seem to make much difference how much I sleep, I still look completely exhausted. I feel exhausted most of the time too. No matter what I do, I can't make it through the day anymore without a nap. I sleep at least 14 hours a day. When something goes wrong, I just want to sleep. I think it's because it's the closest I can get to peace right now. Everything is so tumultuous right now, that I'd rather sleep than do anything else.
There is a sadness inside of me that won't go away. It's rooted in terror. Things that I used to find joy in now seem dismal and uninteresting. I become angry for no apparent reason and I can't figure out why. I don't know what's going on with me. I'm done with school for the semester. I should be feeling excited and ready to go home, but honestly I don't really feel anything. I'm so numb. I'm scared of going home because I might say the wrong thing and upset my Dad. And there's this void when I go home. I feel like I don't really belong there. Nothing really feels like home anymore.
I was sick on Wednesday and it was really refreshing to just lay around and do nothing, but on the other hand...I feel so lethargic now that I just don't want to do anything. I would be so happy if I just didn't have to think about anything anymore. There are so many things that I haven't come to terms with yet and so many things in the closet that are just waiting to jump out at me.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night sweating and breathing hard. I'm terrified...but I can't figure out what terrifies me. Maybe I'm just scared of living. I can't let myself open up again. The people that I've opened up to in the past just disappeared and I've found myself to be completely alone. There are people around, but I can't bring myself to really trust anyone. I'm always holding back and I'm not sure why. It's a frightening feeling to be all alone. Even when I try to talk to God I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of blackness and I'll never start breathing again. There are no answers for me and I've been looking in the wrong places for so long I don't even know where to start anymore. There are things I should do that I don't and there are things that I do that I know I shouldn't. It's come to the point where I think I'm such a bad person that I just don't care anymore. It doesn't matter because there's nothing I can do to change it. Have you ever thought you were so far gone, that there's no turning back, like you're so ruined that you can't possibly get any worse?
"We long to be known and we fear it like nothing else. Most people live with a subtle dread that one day they will be discovered for who they really are and the world will be appalled."
I went to Closer today. It was the first time that I've ever been to a movie by myself. I thought that I would feel insecure and loneley, but I didn't. However, the movie hurt to watch. I came away from the film with a sick feeling in my stomach. It hurt to see what these four people did to each other.
***WARNING***SPOILERS***
The entire movie is about truth and lies. This is NOT a movie about love. I don't care what the reviews say. The movie has nothing to do with love. The people in the film are all selfish and they are all holding back. They will do anything they can to get what they want and then when things don't work out the way they planned, they use each other as backup. There is no concern for the feelings of others, just their own. The end of the movie results in four completely miserable people. Alice (Jane) is back in New York in the life she ran away from at the beginning of the movie. Dan is alone, still drinking his coffee and he's finally realized that his entire relationship with Alice was a lie because he never even knew her real name. Anna and Larry are still married and he knows she doesn't love him, but he loves her and wants to be with her and he doesn't really care about her feelings, just the fact that he wants to be with her. Then there's Anna...she has no idea what she's doing. She kisses Dan at the beginning of the movie, causing the whole tumultuous problems between Dan and Alice to start. Then, she sees him for a year and even after she's married continues the affair. She is about to get a divorce when her husband forces her to sleep with him again for "old time's sake" and she stays with him out of pity.
***DONE***
I wish I couldn't relate to this movie at all...but I can. I'm sure that it makes me a bad person somehow. It's so sad what people can do to each other and I am so incredibly sorry that I have done this to people that I care about. I'm sorry that I'm selfish and I'm sorry that I broke the trust of the people I care about and I know that they broke mine. I look at the world and I think "wow...we are all so broken." (Thanks Caitlin!) No one is a good person and this movie has no good people in it. There is no "good guy" in this one, much like life. We are all broken, hurtful people and we all hurt ourselves on purpose and hurt the ones we love to get what we think we want. It's movies like this that make me wonder if true love really exists and whether you can really trust anyone, even yourself.
Merry Christmas to everyone! Thank you all for everything and all the support and friendship this year! I love you all and I can't wait to see you when I get back from break (however, I don't really want to start school again). I hope everyone has a wonderful break and you all enjoy seeing your families.
I'm so happy to be home and get away from all the stress for awhile. The break has been incredibly relaxing and it's been awesome to see my family and friends from high school. It's been great to see the ex-JDE students as well, especially Kyros and Brad! I'm finally working things out and I feel good. I love all of you! See you soon!
Have a great New Year if I don't see you!!
It's been wonderful to be home and see my family, but after spending so much time with them and being home for over a week now, I miss my friends. I think of my friends as almost closer than family. Although, the concept of friends is an odd one. Anyone can be your friend if they want to, but they can also leave whenever they want and tell you that they don't want to talk to you. Friends are optional...family isn't. No matter what, you can't choose your family and they'll always be there for you no matter what happens. So, then how do we value our friends? I know that I'm closer to most of my friends than I am with my family. I trust my friends not to judge me and love me no matter what and when it comes to talking to my family about things, I'm terrified.
Raymond went back to Hawaii today. It was sad to say goodbye last night. We had a long talk again. It was good. I cried. I've been doing that a lot lately. Partially because of things that have happened that I'm ashamed of and partially because I'm so happy to be close to people who will love me in spite of all of it. It's going to be hard not to have him around to talk to. I know he's only a phone call away, but it's not the same. He also said that he's going to Afganistan. That idea scares me. I want to have faith that he'll be alright, but you never know what will happen...
Thanks to all my friends who have been asking questions lately. I appreciate even the hard questions that are still making me think. I know that things haven't been easy for all of you, but I thank you for having faith in me and being willing to ask the hard questions. Thinking is good, even when it hurts...especially when it hurts...
I miss you all! I can't wait to see you when break is over!
So...I spent all day trying to figure out why my mom was acting weird all day. I just ate dinner with her and said that I was going to go out. She told me that it was fine as long as I come home sooner than 2am. I didn't even think about the fact that my parents might be up worrying about me. I'm so used to being on my own and going to bed pretty late. Anyway...not good to worry the parents. Oh well, everything will be fine tomorrow. Afterall, tomorrow is another day.
My mom came home sick yesterday and scared the crap out of me. She drove home at 2 in the afternoon and I didn't think anything of it. I thought maybe she was back to take my Dad to a Dr.'s appointment or something, but she wasn't. She walked in the door and she looked so pale. She said that she had gotten sick at work and she had driven home and gotten sick on the way home. I've never been so worried about my mom and I've never known something like this to happen. She spent all day today around the house. She finally ate something at dinner. I'm glad she's feeling better. It's the first time in a long time since I've been worried about my mom. I'm so used to worrying about my dad instead. Anyway, it felt good to help her out for a change. She's always been there for me...now I can be there for her. Hopefully tomorrow will go well and she can go back to work on Monday.
I hate the weather. I wanted snow for Christmas, but NO, that didn't happen. Now I'm looking out my window at a snowstorm that has been going since yesterday. We're supposed to get between 8 and 14 inches of snow. My dad already cleared the driveway this afternoon, about an hour ago. However, it's not really going to affect anything that much because it's snowing so hard. My birthday is Sunday and I'm supposed to go shopping tomorrow and Friday but I doubt that is going to happen because of all the stupid snow. Of course it can't snow for Christmas but it sure as hell can ruin my birthday. Ugh! At least it's "pretty."
Today's my birthday! Yay! I don't think it's hit me yet that I'm not a teenager anymore. I still feel so young. I can't do anything now that I wasn't able to do a year or even two years ago. I can't drink still...well, not legally at least. However, there have been many people wishing ne happy birthday and I still feel special. I feel so blessed to have people in my life who care about me. Thanks to everyone! I love you all very much!
Wow...what a strange week! Abby and Drew were married on Monday. I found out about it at noon and the wedding was at 3:45 at the courthouse. Signing a marriage lisense was not in my plan for the day. The judge was really weird, so we were all laughing through the ceremony.
Now, they have moved to Grand Junction, CO. They seemed so happy and so at peace with the decision. It's crazy to think that they decided this a little over a week ago and then they packed and left. I know I could never do that. However, I'm very happy for them!
Hopefully I can get into a regular routine now. I don't expect any of my other friends to be getting married.
I'm finally to a point where I can either break down or deal with shit. No one can help me with it. I have to do it on my own. I can honestly say that I'm not terrified of it for the first time in over a year and a half. I know it's going to be tough, but I'm okay with that. I can handle the fact that I have shit to deal with and I shouldn't be in a romantic relationship or attempting to dump it on all my friends. I know that I will be much more in tune with myself than I am now and hopefully I will be more content with who I am without needing someone by my side constantly to validate myself.
Finally...I'm actually going to deal with myself.
So, I just spent 45 minutes cleaning out my freezer. Yes, it's almost 3am. I don't know why I did it. And my hands are now not typing well. But my freezer is clean and everything is organized and it all fits in nicely. So...I guess that's good. I also refilled my fridge with pop and other beverages, which I've been meaning to do for the last three days.
Okay, so I was up until 5 last night. I should really go to bed.
Tonight is the 3rd night in a row that I've been up late working on ERP. No one in our class can help but think that we're all totally and completely fucked when it comes to Software Engineering. We have a huge test suite due later today at 11am. Right now, my group has over 80 test cases and we haven't coded all of them yet. There isn't enough time to do everything because we have such huge projects for JDE classes. I'm only taking 13 hours, but because I have 10 JDE hours, I'm doing as much homework as I did last semester with a total of 16 hours of classes and 7 JDE classes. I probably won't go to bed for another 2 hours still. This is fucking ridiculous!
Do you ever wonder...
Why does your imagination fade as you grow up?
Why are we here?
How did we get where we are?
If I had just made one different choice, who would I be?
Does God REALLY care?
Who am I supposed to be?
Where am I really supposed to be?
Am I doing what I love?
What's the point?
Why try so hard only to fail every time?
Am I really a bad person?
Why don't I just stop talking?
Does anyone love me?
Am I doing what I should be doing?
Is anyone else faking it?
Why am I not normal?
What is normal?
Why does every one else have it better than I do?
Why can't I look like someone else?
Why is everything good until you spend enough time working on it?
Does the world make everyone else sad?
I don't know...maybe I'm just crazy...
I'm sitting in the reading room at Love Library wishing that I was actually doing something productive. Supposedly I'm proctoring a study session for Phi Mu, but no one has shown up to "check in" as of right now. I've been here since 7pm and will be here till 10, but I'm running out of things to do. I can't study here as easily as I can in the privacy of my dorm room. Anyway, back to the boredom...
So, I went to a nice little get together, hosted by my friend Julie (who's awesome), and I realized that I hadn't seen even close to half of the films nominated for Oscars this year. While I'm sure they are all "good" films, there hasn't been a LOT of publicity about most of them and overall, I hadn't heard about any knockout performances. The award show was nice to watch, but I don't know that the films were really THAT good this year. Maybe it was just an off year...
I talked to my mom today and it has been confirmed that my aunt's cancer is out of remission. She had cancer on her pancreas in late summer/early fall of 2003. Fortunately, she was able to go to May clinic where the doctors removed it surgically. Now, after two completely clean checkups, it's back. If that wasn't enough, she's waiting for mamogram results because she might have breast cancer as well. It couldn't have come at a worse time for my family. Her husband's daughter is expecting a baby this summer and my cousin is graduating from high school (the last one of the grandkids) and his sister is planning a wedding for June. If things weren't emotional enough and stressful enough with plans, now we all have to figure out how to deal with the pain and concern of cancer.
This week has been incredibly busy. Tomorrow morning at 11am, my ERP group has a deliverable due. We're doing okay on it in terms of getting things done, but I don't know what the professor is going to think of the result. No matter what happens, our class can't seem to satisfy him. There is also a computer science assignment due (another bomb that needs diffusing) on Friday. Just once it would be nice to say that there's nothing that needs to be done...nothing I could be working on.
If that wasn't enough, just when I thought that next week was going to be less hassle, we have a software engineering quiz, a computer science quiz and a business test (yes, I know it's techincally a quiz...but quizzes aren't 10 pages long!) next week. Why can't JDE just leave us alone for once?
My friend Meagan and I have determined that the sophomore year is the worst year of the program and regardless of the class, the sohpomores will always be the most bitter out of all the students. One would think that JDE would try to help the situation, but instead, they add another class to 2nd semester sophomore year, creating even MORE work for all of us.
I've officially hit information and emotional overload.
Life is so very delicate in both senses of the word. The pure nature and exquisite workmanship of the life God created for all of us is just utterly amazing and yet it is so easily destroyed by a few cells slowly multiplying within a human body. You would think that with all the knowledge of "science" we could figured out how to destroy a few cells. Instead, they give us a "painless" death to look forward to preceded by days, weeks or even months of agony of being sick from the drugs meant to slowly kill the disease growing, slowly eating away at everything good and healthy. Then, when things get bad enough, the doctors will provide you with a lovely concoction of drugs to help you forget about the pain while your family looks on in agony wishing there was something they could do to either ease your pain or their own.
How do you live when you know there's not much time left? Is that really life, or are you just passing time? Is it harder to know you're going to die or watching someone you love die with the knowledge that there's nothing you can do to stop it? Why is it that when a life ends, the void is so barren that you know no one will be able to fill it?
Spring break wasn't as wild and crazy as I had planned. However, it was very relaxing, so I'm thankful for that. I went to the doctor at the Health Center here on campus because I thought I had a sinus infection. However, he said that I didn't have one, but I did have an eye-infection. So, I spent the entire spring break putting eye-drops in my eyes five times a day and taking decongestants twice a day.
I slept and watched movies for the entire break. I have now seen Pitch Black, The Chronicles of Riddick, Snatch, Constantine, The Incredibles, Eurotrip (again), Ice Pirates (very stupid movie), Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, part of The Order, Van Helsing, Starship Troopers 2, Gothika (again), and I'm sure there's more but I can't remember all of them. I also had the pleasure of sleeping past 3 in the afternoon on two separate occasions. All in all, a very relaxing break, but I'm still sick.
I did finally go to another doctor yesterday and they gave me even more pills because my eye is still infected and now my ears are infected and I'm still having sinus problems! I'm starting to feel a little better, but we'll see what happens as the week progresses. I feel so old because I'm taking six prescription pills per day...
Just when you think things can't get any worse, they do. Then, when you finally say, "Okay God...I give up," He takes over and the sky finally starts to clear.
I didn't know the definition of overload until I finally saw the edge with my own eyes. It's scary and it hurt.
I've just spent the entire night hanging out with friends and talking. I was so excited to have Kyros come to visit from Omaha. He, Meagan and I all went out to look at the stars after Becca's birthday dinner and ended up sitting in the middle of nowhere for over three hours talking. It's been a long time since I've had such a long heartfelt talk about life. We covered everything from school, to frienships, to relationships, to God, to life and death. It's so hard to find close friends you can trust with anything but so refreshing when you have it. Then, when we got back to Kauffman, we talked with Beermann, Johnson, and Moo for another two and a half hours. It's been a great night. It's nice to have some quality time with people. It's so rare, but it means so much.
It's raining outside. I love it when it rains in the spring. Everything outside smells so fresh and new. You can tell that life is starting over again. It's warm enough out where the rain feels inviting and I just want to change into some old clothes and go splash around in the puddles.
The rain makes me think that either God is crying or he's reaching out to touch the earth with small fingertips of water. I just want to look straight into the sky and smile because I can feel God touching my face with every raindrop.
It makes me think of songs like "Foolish Games" by Jewel or "Kiss the Rain" by Billie Myers or even "If God Would Send His Angels" by U2.
I'm standing in my room in soaked clothes because it started pouring about 5 minutes ago and I decided to go out on the balcony and jump around in the rain. It was SO much fun!!! I wish it would rain like this all the time!
I hate moving. Every time I move I wonder how I managed to accumulate so much shit. Then I wonder how it all fit in the space I had it and how I'm going to fit it into the space I'm moving into. I've just spent the last two days trying to "unpack" and instead of the living room being covered with things and a few boxes in my room, there's piles of stuff in my office, in the living room and in my bedroom.
Today, Meagan came over and helped me move the furniture in my office around so I could fit my futon in here. Now I'm sitting in my office next to my futon and there's two piles of books at least 3 feet high in the corner and four piles of books 2 feet high behind me. My room is cluttered with small boxes that were being stored in my office as well as random decorations that used to be in here and several piles of books all at least 2 feet high. Plus, there are still clothes on the floor. Finally, in the living room is a random assortment of office supplies, books, cooking items and stuffed animals. I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do with all of it, but hey...it's all there.
I got my computer set up and my dad bought me a 300GB external hard drive. I found it in the middle of my stuff in the living room as I was unpacking. It's always nice to find a random present in the middle of your day. I've got that set up already and I've started transferring music from Cd's and my computer already.
I'm relaxed, but busy which is weird because I'm not very stressed. I keep waiting for the stress to pile up again though. I'm wondering when it will. I'm still planning my trip to Europe and I still have to do the recruitment video for Phi Mu. We'll see how that goes.
Regardless, I'm keeping busy and I have to find a place for all my shit.
It's so odd...watching Episode III. Anakin: so like someone I once knew. It's amazing to believe that you can think you know someone.
Anakin starts out wanting to do good, wanting to help his wife and prevent her from dying. Then, before you know it, he's killing children to help her. It's true the he loves her so much, but he lets his fear get in the way of everything.
It's so scary what fear can do to a person...or maybe not even fear, but misplaced emotions. We may want something that is "good" in it's escence, but we have the wrong view of how to get it. I just want to ask why. Why would someone do something so increibly evil and by all definitions wrong to protect themselves or someone they cared about? Why would Anakin strangle Padme if he wanted to save her so much? Why would he hurt the one thing he cared about? Why would he claim to care about someone and then turn around and almost kill them? Why would he want to cause harm to the one person he wanted to spend his life with? Why would he say all the things he said to her and turn around and almost kill her? He seemed to feel bad aobut it, but she never knew that. She never knew what he was thinking. She never knew why the man she loved would kill younglings, why he could harm someone so innocent. She died still wondering why... still wanting to know what happened to the person she thought she knew... still thinking she was wrong about everything... still questioning her own judgement... still wanting to know what really happened...
It seems that all my friends are engaged and getting married. A guy I dated in high school was married last summer and he's already had his first aniversary as far as I know. My cousin is getting married in two weeks, my friend Chris has a baby on the way and he's engaged. My friend Karen is getting married in early July. Everyone's getting married and starting their lives. It's so strange. I can't believe they're all going to be changing their names and starting new lives. It's so crazy. Things do change. It's crazy and I can't make it to all the weddings, showers, etc. this summer because I'm going to be out of the country starting in July.
Is it a bad sign when you have to start scheduling time to hang out with people? I mean...maybe I'm just too busy. Nah! Of course I can join more things! I just found out that I've been accepted in to ODK, so now I'm involved in Phi Mu, ODK and AKPsi! Alright! No worries though, I'm sure I'll manage to make time for everything. I'm so much happier than I've been in a long time. I definitely can't complain about anything other than just being busy. I enjoy all of the activities I'm involved in and I don't regret becoming involved in them either. I know that I have good time management skills, but it's still a struggle to get things done sometimes. I love my design studio team and I'm excited about our project. I'm excited to be the VP of Marketing for AKPsi because I know that there are a lot of things that could be improved and I have some cool ideas I'm excited to work on. I just wish there were more hours in the day! I have so many things I want to accomplish and not enough time to do them in. Anyway, I'm happy and that's all that matters and I'm enjoying life and I'm getting better at taking one day at a time and doing only what's important to me. So what if I might be a little over-involved. I was in high school and I had a great time in high school!
The semester is finally over and I couldn't be happier. I'm just praying that grades come out okay. It has been a rough semester, but there have been much worse times and I've had so much support this semester from people who care so much. To them, I want to say thank you for hleping me make it through everything and for being understanding. You know who you are, but I thought I'd list everybody here because there's nothing better than knowing that you've made a difference.
Meagan:
Thanks for being understanding and cynical when I need you to be. You can always make me laugh even when things suck the most. Thanks for not "counting as people" and reminding me that "I don't count as people" either. Also, thanks for being a child with me when I need it the most.
Aimee:
Thanks for all the hugs and the shared tears. Thanks for always being understanding my huge messes and the fact that I never do the dishes until every single cup, fork and spoon is dirty. I'm going to miss you so much next semester! I hope you're happier without all the computer science and you'd better come by to visit.
Mandy:
I know I'm always busy, but thanks for always being willing to talk and/or listen. I'm so happy for you and so proud of all that you've accomplished. You're an amazing woman and I'm so proud to say that we're related. I know you'll make an amazing mother when the day comes. Until then, enjoy your time with your new husband!
John:
You're a great friend and I still can't believe you let me vent to you for the last two years. You're simply amazing even when you freak out in your own "special mellow way" and I love all the time we spend together. I know you've got to work over the break, but I hope you get plenty of rest because you deserve it. Hopefully two days of work each week won't kill you.
Julie:
I know you'll make a wonderful mother. I look forward to seeing you over the break and I hope you get plenty of rest. I've missed seeing you because this semester was so crazy! Thanks for still having kickass parties though. Even though you couldn't drink, it was still fun and you looked georgeous.
Blake:
Thanks for always making me feel welcome at the duplex. I always have a wonderufl time when I come to visit you. You always make my day whenever you send me a message (usually telling me how cute I look) :-). You're such a sweetheart and I love spending time with you. Thanks so much for all the fun parties and always making sure I'm having a good time. Don't forget about me next semester.
Abby and Drew:
What to say? You're absolutely the best friends anyone could ever ask for. You love me no matter what happens and you've always been there for me even through the tough times. I believe in both of you and I know you'll be wonderful parents. You always make my day when I get to see you or hang out with you two. Zoe is the coolest dog ever and I know you're kid will be awesome when it finally arrives.
Sam:
Samsuls! You're amazing and I'm so happy that you've found someone who makes you happy. He seems very nice and I hope the best for both of you. I know you'll be happy when you've got your own apartment and you're all moved in. I look forward to seeing you more often since you're in walking distance of campus now. Have a wonderful break and I can't wait to see you when you get back to Lincoln.
Brad:
Thanks for hanging out with me all the time and inviting me, Meagan and Kyros over to watch movies. I love seeing you and I'm so happy that you're doing great at work. I hope you have a wonderful vacation and I can't wait to see you when you get back. You'll have to tell me all about how things go. Have a wonderful Christmas and I'm sure I'll see you when you get back.
Jesse:
Thanks for all the help with my finance. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and I'm sure we'll see each other over break. Thanks for not giving up on me. I really appreciate all the help.
Kelsey:
I had a wonderful time at formal and I'm so glad we all went together. I'm so glad we went to Europe because I would have missed the chance to get to know you. I have such a great time whenever we're together. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and thanks for listening when I need you. We'll have to do lunch during break sometime.
Mark:
Thanks for all the trips to the C-Store and for listening to me whenever I need to talk. I'm sure I've kept you up many nights whining about one thing or another. However, I appreciate all the understanding and I'm so glad you're on my DS team. It's been a great year working with you so far and I know it will be great in the Spring as well. Enjoy your break. Party hard!
Bryce:
It's been great to work with you during this semester. Thank you so much for all the help on Computer Science. I know I couldn't have done it without you. It's been wonderful hanging out with you this semester and I thank you for putting aside all your homework to work with me on mine. I hope that you have a wonderful break and I know you'll figure out everything that's been concerning you.
Ivan:
Thanks for never giving up on me. I have a great time hanging out and talking whenever we're together. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and I look forward to seeing you next semester before you move to California.
Byron:
Thanks for being there for all the big stuff. I really appreciate everything you've done for me over the years. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. I hope you have a wonderful break and it's great to hear that you're doing well at your new job and you're loving where you are. I'm so happy for you and it's great to hear that you're happy and feeling at home in your job.
Johanna, Karen, Chris, Jenny -- Congratulations on your weddings! I'm so happy for you and I hope you have a wonderful new life with your spouses.
Congratulations to Julie Murray and Tyler Moiser on a healthy baby boy! I'm so happy that both mom and baby are doing well even after a little scare and an emergency c-section. I'm very happy for both of you!
Computers are just as much of a miracle as they are a curse. You can talk to anyone anywhere in the world using your computer, but you also have this problem of becoming dependent on it. Everything you work on is on this one piece of equipment and if you lose it or something happens, you're screwed. My hard drive is dying and I'm currently using Meagan's iBook to type a paper I was working on earlier. Thank goodness that Word documents can be worked on regardless of what operating system you have! However, I do need to thank my dad who has already ordered me a new hard drive and it will be here either tomorow or Thursday! The bad news is that I have to re-install everything on the new hard drive. I really don't want to put programs like MatLab on my computer that I won't be using after the first week in May. They're bloated programs and I don't want to install them for only a couple weeks and then get rid of them. That's what can cause your computer to slow down in the first place. Windows really doesn't do a very good job of getting rid of the remnants of uninstalled programs. Oh well, a busy week just got busier and I'm sure I'll figure out how to get everything done. I always do.
- Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know. The light just never went on, you know. I must have known, of course, but I was too scared to see the truth. Then fear just makes you so stupid.
- No, it's not stupid, Signora Mayes. L'amore e cieco.
- Oh, love is blind. Yeah, we have that saying too.
- Everybody has that saying because it's true everywhere.
- Well is it love, big love, or great love?
- What do you mean?
- Well, love you get over in two months, big love you get over in two years, and great love, well great love... changes your life. So which one is it?
- Oh my god, it's great love.
- Yeah, that's just great.
"Like do you know she has six smiles? One when something really makes her laugh. One when she's making plans. One when she is laughing out of politeness. One when she is uncomfortable. One when she is making fun of herself. And one when... she's talking about her friends."
Allana Ann McQuoid was born on July 24, 2006 at 12:40pm. She was 9 lbs. 3 oz and 20" long. Needless to say, she was a big baby. But, her mother is 5' 11" and her father is a big guy, so she follows in her parents footsteps.
There was so much love in one room today, that it just simply took your breath away. You could just see it written all over Abby's face as she held her daughter. You could just tell how much Abby meant to both of them as they were talking. Both parents were tired after not having any sleep for 48 hours, but they were both very much at peace. There was defniitely no question of how much they loved each other and their daugher. Drew, Paula (Drew's mom) and Abby talked about the delivery. Paula is a nurse, but she'd never been present for a delivery. Drew was telling about a few of the contractions that hurt really bad and he said "the worst part was I couldn't do anything. I just wanted her not to hurt anymore. It almost made me cry." And Paula told about how much of a miracle a birth is and the fact that there were no complications at all with the delivery.
Allana is simply perfect. Her head is almost perfectly round and when she looks like she's about to cry she squishes her face together and turns a little pink. She couldn't be more beautiful and her parents couldn't love her more. There were moments when everyone in the room just sat and looked at the baby because she was just so precious. Drew said it was just so amazing to finally see what she looked like after nine months and in spite of being sore, Abby had the radiant glow of a new mother. It was as if just looking at her and the baby could melt all the worries away even if it was only for a moment.
Below are a few pictures. To see all of them click here.
Every once in awhile, someone will surprise me. On my last day of work on Friday, I was in a meeting and I came out to be greeted by a beautiful bouquet of flowers on my desk from my roommate Meagan. She just got back from Chile and sent me flowers for my last day of work. Pretty, huh?
Well, I'm starting a new semester. I'm in my first day of class. All my classes are Tuesdays and Thursdays (well, with the exception of the exercise classes I'm taking). Tuesdays are going to be hell though because I have class from 9:30am to 9:20pm and my last class is on East Campus. You'd think that if you were signing up for a marketing course, they'd have it in CBA like the rest of the business classes. At least it's only once a week.
I'm really excited about Design Studio this year. I'll be a team lead and there are lots of projects to pick from. It will be interesting to find out what project I end up on and who's on my team.
Either way, the year will be interesting, and hopefully better than all the rest of the college years.
Have you ever been sick for so long that you can't remember what pills are supposed to help with what, which ones cause weird side effects, and what it felt like to actually be healthy? I am totally there. After two days at home (Saturday and today), I finally feel like I might actually live through the end of the semester. I feel like I've been having weird side effects from the prescriptions my doctor gave me for over a month now. I just want to be able to identify what's actually causing my various symptoms. Right now I'm on 2 1/2 inches of pills that are supposed to help me get over the flu, not be stuffed up and prevent any infections caused by the antibiotic used to kill the flu.
I just hope all the sickness and side effects from the medications that are supposed to curing it go away soon.
So, my roommate bought us a tree and we even took a break from our homework for about 15 minutes to decorate it yesterday night. So, isn't it cute? Basically, you aren't allowed to disagree because I finally have a draft finished for my retailing management class that it's worthy of being called a "rough draft" and I'm taking a break to post this lovely picture of our weird little silver tree. However, if you hate on it, I'll hunt you down and ... well, I don't really know what I'll do, but I'll figure it out eventually after I analyze my options and pick the best one.
After almost two and a half months of tracking down professors, honors program staff and CBA advisors, I am finally looking at a degree audit that says my degree completion is "In Progress." Yes, that means I'm officially graduating in May!!! All of my classes are applied correctly to my degree and when I have my senior check next semester, it will actually say that I'm going to graduate. It's really great that the JDE students' classes aren't reported correctly on the degree audit. No one really knows what to do with us when we show up at the various advising offices and ask for paperwork. But, I finally managed to get all of my classes put in the right modules on my degree. Who ever thought I'd ever actually graduate?
My parents took Meagan and me to dinner tonight. We went to spaghetti works. On the way back, we walked by Kinko's. There's a small tree outside Kinko's and apparently it's become a bagel tree. Who seriously sticks bagels on a tree in downtown Lincoln? Oh well. Good thing I had my phone with me.
to give you their flower friend and make you take it home with you because they can tell you're stressed. Because then you go from looking like this:
To looking like this:
Still tired, but a little happier...and that's all that counts when you have a busy finals week.
You think that you're going to be able to relax and take a break from everything. Instead, things break. Take, for instance, sleeping...going home after months of being away, the bed is foreign and sleep doesn't come. Or relationships. Holidays cause stress and extra tension and fights. Family gatherings happen where you have to put on a happy face and pretend you want to be there even if you'd rather stay in bed all day. Stress about money because it only seems to flow out during the holidays. Break doesn't mean a break from stress. Break means that things break and as much as you try not to, you'll probably cause some of it. Everyone is busy with family gatherings and obligations, so you can't even see friends you don't see often during the school year. I guess I'm just looking forward to the "break" being over.
Below is part of my Christmas present from John. He and his sister jokingly named him "Fatty McPenguin" and jokingly referred to him as fatty all week before Christmas. Apparently I'm supposed to rename it. But how do I rename the penguin when it really is fat and it bounces like it does in the video.
After so long I finally got the pictures of my cousin's daughter off my camera. I took the pictures on the memory of my camera and I got a new cable for Christmas. I waited so long to be able to transfer the pictures so I could print and post. I went to see her the day she came home. She looked so happy and so proud. Tenley was a beautiful newborn.
So, it's 2007. I'll be 22 in a few days (weird to think about). I've only got one semester left of school and then I'm done with my degree. That's hard to imagine. New Year's Eve was fairly uneventful. John and I were snowed into the house. I hate the cold, so we didn't really do much at all. We played a couple games of Scrabble and I called my parents to wish them a Happy New Year. Mom was definitely NOT awake. Wow. Oops. Oh well. So, resolutions...hmm...they just seem so silly. It's like it's supposed to make them easier to accomplish because you made a New Year's resolution. Whatever. Anyway, my "resolutions" (kind of ongoing from before the New Year):
1. Worry less
......
2. Find amusement in the simple things in life
3. Don't do things just to please the people around me
4. Spend more time with the people I care about most
Well, we'll see what happens with those. All of you reading this probably have an idea of how easily I'll accomplish the first one. But hey, no one's perfect, right? Isn't that why we make resolutions. It's kind of a sad way to look at it, but we make resolutions because we see ways where our lives aren't "good enough." Regardless, life is pretty good overall so Happy New Year to all of you.
So, I'm sitting in my living room this afternoon, working on Design Studio document sections, making lists, editing the Microsoft Project file and this commercial actually made me stop and do a double-take at the TV:
I couldn't believe they actually put the commercial on national television. I actually laughed out loud. Maybe it's because I'm a nerd, but I thought it was hilarious that they said the words "the most advanced technology you will ever pee on". Other pregnancy test commercials always talk about needing to know early or the potential of having cute babies and stuff. This one was a little different (as you can see). Regardless, the commercial made me pay attention.
I went to my first ever beer school tonight with Meagan. Waiting outside was really cold because of the wind. I still didn't find a beer I particularly liked, but it was a good experience. I learned about hops and had some good pizza.
For those of you reading who don't know what "Beer School" is it's a monthly event hosted by Empyrean Brewing Company (they own Lazlo's & Fireworks) that happens on the first Monday of the month. Basically what happens is you go to the brewery and they give you two free beers before they start the "official" Beer School experience. After your first two beers, then they take groups into the brewing area and the brewer talks about a subject relating to beer. They talked about hops last night. They showed us different types of hops and discussed how to choose the type and how long they last, when they are added in the brewing process, etc. During the talk, they give you another beer to drink while you're listening. Then, when they are done discussing the subject for the night, they take you into another area where they have beer tasting. Each month they select five beers for tasting. They talk about each beer as they are handing them out. They talk about the amount of hops, the type of beer, where it's from and how it's brewed. They give you about two or three swallows of beer to try. On the last beer, they provide a food to go with the beer so you can try the beer with the food. The final beer is typically a seasonal beer brewed by Empyrean. I didn't drink a full amount of any of my beers and I only finished one tasting cup of the various beers they let us try. I don't really like beer (because it's too bitter). However, I would suggest going to Beer School for anyone who wants to try something new. It's free and it's a fun learning experience (even if you don't like beer).
Today is my birthday. I'm 22. I really don't feel that old. Do I look that old?
Maybe I'll grow up eventually, but not today. I definitely still have my childish moments. I don't feel like I have anything really in order for my life. I'm still in college. I haven't lined up a job yet. I feel the same as I always did: a little lost most of the time. I've worked hard over the last four years and I'm almost done with college, but I almost feel less certain about myself than I did in high school. Maybe that was because I was still a little naïve at that point in my life. I can tell I've become a bit more cynical over the last four years, but I can look back and see why that is and I don't feel like it's unfounded. However, I'm still entertained by simple things like making faces at my webcam when I'm on Skype with John or even my stuffed penguin that bounces when I pat him on the head. I still like stuffed animals and video games. Oh well, I don't have to act my age yet...
This is just my opinion, so take it for what you believe it's worth. I got a necklace from John for Christmas (seen below) and it's really pretty. I wear it more than all my other jewelry now (with the exception of my silver ring). I don't typically wear jewelry. In the mornings when I'm getting dressed, I see the necklace John gave me and it makes me smile because it's something that will remind me during the day that I'm loved. It's like when you see a photo of you and your best friend and you remember the memory when the photo was taken (except more abstract). That, and it's shiny!
Meagan and I went to visit Sam (and Olivia) at Sam's new apartment. I hadn't been there yet. Olivia was born about three weeks early but she had a safe delivery. Sam looked good and happy. The baby had a little bit of jaundice and she was asleep the entire time we were visiting. Well, except for when Sam was picking on her. I bet that made her happy. I think I'd be angry if I was a baby taking a nap and someone made me cold and started pinching my cheeks to wake me up.
Sam went back to her hometown for a couple weeks. I'm sure when she gets back, she'll want babysitters. Good thing Meagan and I know nothing about babies.
I thought it was odd enough to be having "Christmas" plans after my birthday, but what felt even more odd than that was getting sick this weekend and missing Christmas. I don't remember the last time I didn't see my mom's side of the family for Christmas. It was a really weird feeling even though I think Christmas would have been a little weird after my birthday anyway. I guess I can find solace in the fact that this weekend actually looked like Christmas unlike most of break. However, things just aren't the same without the tradition of Grandma's house really close to Christmas day with everyone around the big table in the kitchen. I suppose things change and you have to get used to it, but what happens when you're just not ready for the change? What happens when you don't really want to face what the future holds? Either way, it was sad not seeing my family for a Christmas gathering of some sort. It would have been nice to do that. Although, I did hear that the drive was a challenge. Either way, I missed Christmas and I'm not allowed to open my gifts until John and I are together in my parents' house where they can take pictures. ;-)
Anyway, the coffee maker turns on automatically at 7:45am and turns off automatically at 9:30pm. You can also set it to automatically turn off after a certain time without use. But it keeps hot water in it all day until it turns off for the night. You can also choose the cup size. It came with these things called k-cups that are pre-measured coffee/tea/etc. that you just stick in the top. You can also use your own coffee if you want. Anyway, it's basically the uber-coffee maker. Hopefully I can learn to like some coffees. I haven't found any that I like yet, but I also haven't tried very many kinds.
It is actually rather cute in spite of being made from undergarments. Ho